So it has been awhile since I posted this type of post where I will try get my mind down in text..
Yesterday after we went from my friends I started having this weird feeling again in my chest, it just didnt feel right and I couldnt and still cant put it into words as I dont understand what this feeling is.
But I woke up making a small realization that its like not exactly guilt or jealousy but more like im dissapointed in myself and for what? I dont know..
Maybe the realization that im really far behind others, the fact that even tho I mustered up courtage to talk to a professional councler I was met with prejudice and scorn is whats all catching up to me. Maybe its cause I am me that is the problem, the fact that I am supposed to be an adult even tho I feel locked away, scared/terrified of realizing that something inside me is not as it should be even broken and it doesnt heal, time doesnt help and life keeps changing but these broken pieces are just rotting away inside me.
To have a purpose in life is not really a new saying but the meaning to me have been alien. Cause I never been thinking about it. What is a purpose and what is my purpose in and with my life? I finished my bachelor but that wasnt really my life purpose, I have a great work wich I like but that isnt a purpose. To find a purpose that will fill my life with a sence of fullfillment is not something I have come across just yet but im still young and I will probably find it someday.
I never really had goals for my life when I was younger and now it just seems I try and grab for straws when I need to make a foundation to stand on first. So the next questions are: “What do I want in life?” and “how do I see my life 5 years from now?”
“What do I want in my life?“
For now there isnt much I honestly want, I want my own place, I want to start training, taking care of myself better, accept myself for who I am not who everyone else wants me to be, get a pet (preferably a dog) and finally just enjoy life as it is short.
“How do I see my life 5 years from now?“
This is a question thats hard for me to answer cause life itself seems to take mysterious turns. But I see myself working, got my own place, being at a better mindset feeling happy. Im at the point where I am enjoying life and am just doing and following whatever I honestly feel like, both intrest wise and for my mental wellbeing.
I will keep reflecting with the help of meditation so as life changes I will adapt!