So today i went through the future exam that is coming in January (5 weeks from tomorrow) and i just thought holy this will be a tough one. But that wasnt all that came flooding over me today. I have these days when all i can think of is the sad parts of life and it is not something that i do normally bring up alot and havent in these blog posts. But today will be quite heavy and if you dont do well with sad or emotional stuff this post is not for you.
You have been warned.
So to get into the mood you can just read or read and listen to one of these songs in the background:
But yea today hit me in the head like an avalanche and i when i get into the thoughts i go deeper into my own feelings and try to straight out my thoughts more and more. Alot of my friends know im emotional and can be quite emotional unstable at times when there is alot of things happening around me. But today i asked myself have i been happy? like really really happy in my life. The answer is Yes i have on more then one occation but the question is am i happy as i currently am? Then the answer is both yes and no, in the sence that i question myself over things that i should already know. But what do i question myself for you might ask? I question myself in everything i do from my education, to my daily life to my streaming (wich i love to do) but i doubt myself in many ways more then i can see an opening and try moving forward.
I am studying for a bachelor degree in younger kids education wich is something i love working with and i have been working with younger kids for almost 12 years when i started it as a internship for 1 month. It gives me happiness over anything in life. BUT right now i question my worth that is something my self-esteem wont allow me to acknowledge that i can and know how to work with. So i will always keep battling for my own thoughts and pursue the real happiness that to me is something like many others fighting to find.
What is true happiness for me, and why do i go into the games to escape the reality so much? Is it cause im afraid that if i keep in the “real” world i would find happiness or is it that the reality is to much to bare? I believe more people then me potentially everyone struggle with the question “what is the meaning of life, my life what meaning does it hold?” The question has always been around since the dawn of mankind i would guess, what is the true meaning with us humans and all the feelings we hold in our deepest corners of the mind?
I keep going back and forth BUT as soon as im close to the answer for me, i get scared and take a step or two back just cause im afraid of the answer that lies ahead. Why am i so afraid of the answer when i keep looking for answers.
We keep searching for so much things in our life, a place to call home, a place to rest, love, true meaning, friendship, if we are truely not alone in the universe, what is happening to our world. There are much more but even tho we are all afraid deep inside we cant be afraid of everything, cause we are alive, we have a life that got given to you and to me and i believe there is a reason for that. There is millions if not billions of people in our world that feels afraid every second every minute and every hour.
I have personally never felt really alone in the sence that i have been alone without people around me but i always know that out there someone is thinking of me atleast one person, and i genuinely believe that everyone has atleast ONE person who think of one person. We are over 7 billion people in the world and out of those 7 billion YOU have atleast one person that is thinking of you right now right this minute. If you ever feel alone remember that someone is always thinking of you EVEN if it is only for ONE second you where there in their mind as a whisper and they thought of you.
I notice i derailed from the sad to abit of an hopefull but i wont excuse for doing so, cause this is my blog and all this is in my mind and i need to get it out. Dreams we all have, you have a dream you wanna make true it doesnt matter if it is big or small thin or wide its YOUR dream and keep it dear cause you will one way or another make it come true. Dreams comes in all shapes and sizes but they are there for a reason they are a dream of something that you wanna reach or just have there in your mind as you pursue something, that your dream did start at some point.
I myself have so many dreams that i am both afraid of realizing and that i hold dear to my heart cause they keep me going forward towards that day when i can say i finally did it, i have achieved my dream. I have finally reached the place i wanted to be. But for my dreams they will all take several years if not decades until i can realize them as they are going to always be part of me and the person i am. Now you might think that my dream has to do with my education, games or movies, but the answer is no my dreams have nothing to do with these things. My education is a mean to reach a job where i can earn the money so i can afford my dream, my games and going to the movies are the escape from the responsibilities that hang over my head all the time.
I will share a dream i have and it isnt a big one but it is something i will realize sometime in the future. My dream is a simple one i wanna go to Scotland and stand on top of the hills and watch the sunrise over the fog. I already visited stonehedge and that was another dream of mine and that has been fullfilled! My dreams might seem small and insignificant in contrast to your dreams but dreams all hold meaning to the person who have that dream. Do remember that there are more dreams then there are people in the world so never judge someone for having their own dream. Cause would you like your dream to be judged by others?
What is the meaning of me writing this absurdly long blogpost? The answer is cause i wanted to share this, i felt a need to write this cause we live in a world where we judge, attack and harrass eachother without a meaning or even words that can describe why.