So before you start reading this post i normally dont give a warning before reading cause i dont tend to do any graphical images or more in my post but today i will be using images that will represent how i am feeling and that should represent some really dark and disturbing themes so you have been warned before reading!
So yea i didnt really feel any different when i woke up today, nor did i feel different at work until i had about an hour left of work and was gonna go fix something on the office and the machine i was gonna use didnt start up, i thought it was strange so i went back asked my collegues for help and it still didnt start up. Tried unplugging and plugging to see if it would work. waited 10 minutes more before trying again and it still didnt work.
So i just said ok i am gonna go home but if someone have time to try later you can else i try on Monday again. After that i got ready to go home. So called home and said i was on the way and got told to run an errand first. That wasnt a big deal that was something i knew i was gonna have to do anyway.
But when i was on the way i felt like something was off and it felt like i was under a boulder (image below):
Something was wrong and it kept building up. I couldnt place the feeling and it made me anxious and normally these days i havent had any issues with my anxiety and nervs that i am being followed or something bad is gonna happend. But today something was off and when i got home i sat down at my comp and the feeling had started growing abit more and felt like i was slowly being eaten by my own thoughts (image below)
Deep down this might have been building up over time but i havent felt it and i have been working on boosting myself for the past few months ever since the shit on uni happend but yea, i have been working quite hard at boosting myself up and all but yea in 15 minutes later this evening everything broke and i had to shut down everything that was going on around me, both irl and internal so i just sat for a good few minutes and let all the emotions and thoughts pour out of my head and mouth, all the emotions i had i cried them out and vocally verbally made myself accept them. (Image below)
And once again i heard myself saying the words that i thought i had vanquished from my mind once and for all but nope they are still here and they made it clear they are still around.
“I cant deal with this anymore, can this just end i cant handle this anymore let this just stop”
But the easiest way to even describe my thoughts are actually by listening to this song:
Cause these thoughts i wresteled with before and thought i had concured and overcome over the years and the excercises i done and still doing to keep myself centered and balanced. But yea yesterday evening just broke me and i snapped at my friends cause i couldnt hold it in anymore it brought me over the edge where i normally tend not to end up.
But yea back to working on myself again and hopefully overcome this episode but yea i dont think this is the last episode i will have but i hope it was the last one for now anyway.