Tuesday time to clear my thoughts…

So todays blogpost will be an extensive one cause its time for me to cleanout all my thoughts that keeps holding my brain captive and more, So i will leave a TLDR at the end of the post if you just want the short summery of whats going on inside the head of mine!

So what is going on with me and my head?

Well a couple of months back i started to accept a new side of myself that i never really thought myself of, to be honest i never thought much about myself in general all through my life but speaking with others this have become apparent that its a really big part of who i am and who i should become in the grandscheme of things.

So lets start with saying i have seen myself change drasticly the past months almost up to a year and started thinking and seeing myself in a new light. I now know that im part of the LGBTQ spectrum, and thinking back onto my life: childhood, teenage years, young adult and now onto my adult lifespan that has become very clear to myself. But it has taken me so long to realise it for myself and it hurts , it hurts me inside cause i feel like i should have known earlier and IF i knew earlier i would maybe already been in a better place then i have been.

Now i am struggling with some mental problems aswell and have been for a very long time. I have had help with dealing with it but its getting apparent that im slowly losing a constant fight for my own wellbeing. This have become a painful discovery for me the past 2 weeks, im slowly drifting on inside life and i cant really handle or sort my own thoughts that well.

Yesterday and today i have broken down in tears cause of unknown thoughts inside my head and when i say unknown is cause they come screams once something and tears forms in my eyes and starts running like a river down my cheek. I cant hear the thoughts an di cant make sence why im crying it just comes over me and my stomach freezes up and my heart beats extra fast for about a second before the tears starts running.

Im afraid that no matter what help i find or get it wont solve anything cause i cant make sence of my own silent thoughts..

I feel like i am trapped inside a glas jar with the thinest glas that even a breeze can break it, but im also afraid of seeing the glas shatter cause when it breaks i will be outside and lost to the world.

I know it might sound stupid but i have my own life but in the same time i dont, I am still stuck in this glas jar like a butterfly who cant escape, no matter how much i want to my own head is holding me back and it keeps me scared of so much uneccessary things that i cant handle right now.

A couple of weeks ago i felt like i was alone in the middle of the ocean without anything around me, all alone just floating not really excisting cause nothing except sea was all i saw.

To explain the feeling inside me now its like:
Im frozen in solid ice and near me are people but no matter how much i try im frozen and i cant move and they dont get closer.

So this is currently me and here comes the summery:

– I realized im part of the LGBTQ spectrum.
– My head and thoughts have made me cry 2 days in a row now.
– I am feeling scared and lost.
– I have been feeling alone and isolated like im in the middle of the sea without anything around me except water.
– Im feeling like im frozen and people are close but they and i cant get closer cause im frozen solid inside ice.


By Dan

Swedish, preschool teacher, learning more about life and myself every single day!

%d bloggers like this: