So yea this is kinda annoying cause i thought my headspace was in the right place but apperantly i was so wrong it is kinda scary..
So yea this afternoon i went to celibrate my nephew, met my sister and a few other relatives i havent seen in a few years it was fun to meet them all, and also a few other faces i havent seen in ages.
So we sat at the lakeside and just socialized and enjoyed the sun and the nice breeze.
But when i got home and in the evening around 7pm i relapsed in my head, and something just came over me and i had to run into my bedroom jump on my bed and started crying. It was like a tidal wave hit me and my whole being so i couldnt handle it.
The old thoughts i was hoping i had under control with my meditation and my mental training tools are supposed to let me handle did not help now. I broke down completly and the whispers “I wanna leave and dissapear” just flushed over me and i couldnt stop the tears from flowing for a good 5 minutes.
Im worried my brain and my soul is damaged beyond repair currently, so it might give up if this keeps up. I cant really beat these waves that comes over me…