Yea todays topic will be all about my desires, my wants and what terrifies my very core and this will not be the easiest post I ever done cause im really going deep into myself and I was not sure if this post would even be created, still not sure why I am posting this..
But yea a while back I learned about the three circles (green, blue and red) and what they symbolize in life and how I can apply them to myself so I will explain them below one at a time together with what is part of what based on my own mindset!
The green circle symbolizes what motivates and makes you keep going forward, for me this is reflection, video games, sketching, running/jog, taking photos and hanging out with friends. But to be honest this circle might seem like its big but its on the smaller side. I dont do these activities in a balanced matter and thats what im working on changing.
The blue circle symbolizes desires and needs. This for me are hugs, pets, relationship, love, touches, nature, physical touch. This is the smallest of all of the three circles and its not so surprising this is the smallest one. But im working on myself to accept the fact that this circle needs to grow in balance with the green and red one to create a balance in life. Currently the balance excist in abit of skewed form but it will change with time.
The final circle is the red one wich represents fears, anxiety, negative emotions. This circle is and have been the biggest one for mayority of my life, and still is controling my life to a large extent wich it shouldnt but for me and mayority of humans the negative takes priority. My fears excist of being abandoned, yelled at, being left behind, pushed away, hated, needles, being unloved and alot more wich I cant even mentioned cause im trying to formulate it in my head and down on paper myself currently. Im anxious aswell I am terrified of needles but I still wanna vaccinate myself but my whole brain is screaming to avoid… When stress builts I am unable to work properly cause I dont know how to process it. Moving out is what im planing on doing and that aswell is creating anxiety for me. But I need to do it for my own sake. Negative emotions im filled with those, towards myself, how I look, how I am as a person, im not good enough, im not worthy of things I done in life. I dont deserve love, friends, a future, no matter how hard I try its not gonna be good enough. The list can continue but no, this is enough selfhate for one post!
As you can see my life is not in balance and im negative to a fault, but dont think im only a negative person, thanks to a few people I call friends they helped me see my positive qualities to keep the negative at bay. Ofcourse I met people who thrown me under the bus cause they just had the opportunity, I know the pain of being rejected, abandoned, hated alot of the things im terrified of but my friends help me realise that its not me who were the only problem. But I was the easiest to use the negative emotions on, but yea im still here, I managed to get through university, I have a fulltime work, I have earned everything I done so far. So to the people who tossed me aside cause I wasnt good enough thanks and this is my farewell letter to you all, I am here stronger today then I would have been if I ever would have met you.
I also accepted myself more and realised that its okay to like whatever you like, I dont question that there is anything wrong with me loving animals and videogames, or loving people for their personality and not gender.
Accept eachother, learn from eachother and grow as a human. Even if your life is dark like mine have been you will reach a time in life where you just move on and accept your weaknesses, strenghs, likes and dislikes and they are just as big part of your life like anything!
Im still around even tho I could have given up many many years ago, im still walking and will keep moving forward into the uncertain future that life truely is!
Now a new chapter has been unlocked and im here to share it with everyone!