I will start this post by saying SORRY for the extreme long title on this post!
To start this post by saying I finished my exam! took me a few hours yesterday and a few today, i was done with my exam at 5pm cet today! It wasnt the easiest exam i ever written but now it is just to wait and see if it was enough to get a passing grade… personally i dont feel like i will get a passing grade but i tried my best.
But now i will start discussing the topic i wanted to discuss a few days ago, how i am actually feeling and what is on my mind.
So i am unsure how to bring this up cause it will probably be alot of me ranting and alot of me just talking how i am feeling deep within my mind, i just dont know where to start cause for the past few days i noticed myself being swallowed up by new emotions and fears that i havent had before.
It all dawned on me the last weekend that i am genuinely scared of my mind right now, as it keeps regress back to who i was almost 15 years ago! And to explain who i was back then i was afraid of people, of the world and of myself as i kept trying to keep to myself. I did have a few “friends” who i only socialized with at school. But i was always alone on my sparetime, it wasnt that i wanted to be alone. It was more like i forced myself to be alone because i could not talk to people. I had very scarce interactions with my classmates in school, we played cards on the recess but other then that i didnt really talk to anyone.
I am starting to feel like that again and im closing in on turning 30 years of age, i have my best friend and classmates wich i talk to in real life, then i ofcourse have the online community wich i chat with. But somewhere in my mind i am feeling like running away from everything, i am doubting myself and i feel like it would be easier to fade away into the background. You probably know someone who you do “talk” to but he/she is there in the background but noone really interact with, it is like they arent there but they are.
But this varies from day to day, but at the sametime i feel like there is someone that keeps pushing me forward, like there is someone who is there whispering in my ear stand up and keep walking. We as a human species do keep evolving and right now the world is still turning as it has been doing for several billion years.
To put this feeling i am feeling in perspective it is like i am in a pit without a bottom, i can see the top, but also i keep looking down to see if i can see the bottom just so that i can bounce back up to the top. But as a game character once said “the ultimate light can only be found in the ultimate darkness” – White Mage.
But i will keep walking until i reach my destination whereever that may be!