Well today started good and work was fine and all but the problem started when i got home and opened youtube and saw a video from a youtuber i followed for 5 months now.. the videos topic was about how he feel egocentric and alot more going on in his life, that he needs to be energetic in videos and all that but this person through his videos have been a big part of how i see myself.
So today when i watched this video it hit me quite hard and i almost reverted back into doubting myself cause his words were true. He also talked about selfdoubt and that is when it hit hard for me cause i been there i done that for almost my entire life, it has been 2 months closing in on 3 months since i started believing in myself for real. But then i started thinking and thats when my words echoed in my head:
“Everyone have days were they feel low, less energetic, sad, depressed, unmotivated etc” and yes we are only humans we dont need to be more then we are. I cant say i know how his experience is with what he is going through but as a person that been without (have low) selfesteem, self hate and self loathing i can imagine the feelings that he have.
It just hit so hard for myself that it made me go mellow and that is a bad thing cause then that small voice comes back, the voice that is always in the back of my head. But wich i currently have under decent control. That voice that tells me i am not worth anything, makes me question my choices and makes me regret alot of things that in reality isnt anything to regret!
I have an online guy who tries to trigger me and today to his great happiness i almost cracked, he push me down and i push back but yea today he managed to make me self counsious about my voice again, i already know i look like shit, aswell as sound like shit not like its something new. But yea i am just trying to boost myself so i maybe one day can feel confident about myself for real.