Reflecting on life

So i just wanna point out that this will be the new format on how i do my blogposts from now on.

Im not the best at blogging but i do wanna go back to how i have been feeling the past few weeks, and i have been feeling okay but this last week i have started feeling some lingering feelings now that is taking hold on my brain.

For the past few days well pretty much the last week i have been having issues with my thoughts and how to deal with them. It has been a rough year since my mom passed away and it really sucks but life is really that. Unfair, unjust and always taking and giving. The problem i have is that im currently feel like im stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and questioning.

I keep reflecting on what i wanna do, but its hard to say cause i do wanna do so much that it almost is ridiculous and doesnt really help me get anywhere, no matter how much i want something i still need to take steps forward to get somewhere. But by not knowing what i wanna do will not help me take the first steps.

So what do i wanna do?

I want to work with game development wich would be one of my dreams come true, as i am a gamer and will always be but always felt i wanna try and create something to call my own, but not sure how and when to start this part of my life.. It also competes with other dreams of mine wich also are

Starting my own business like a coffee shop or some type of small shop as i do feel that would be exciting to also be able to have a space where i can sell things that others might want aswell, but i dont know its a balance between selling and opening your own shop. I also want to give people a place where they can come in, sit down socialize, relax chat or just sit in silence reading a book or watching a pod and not getting disturbed.

I also wanna write my own book, like i have ideas on what i could write about, but there is so much i wanna do but there is the problem of taking that first step towards actually realizing my dreams, cause lets face it trying and following a dream is scary cause it uproots everything you already have. Stable income, a job, people you talk to as collegues on a daily basis.

But right now as i am, it feels like im yearning for something more and what that yearning is i cant answer cause i dont know how to take the first step, and i still keep stepping on the same spot i been in for the past 10+ years.

Ever since last year when everything changed i have felt like time is not my friend or anyones friend, and i feel like im not using my time to the best of my capabilities as i since forever always felt like “Oh January is here, its a new year with new possibilities” and then its like closing my eyes and open them again and “oh december 31st where the hell did this year go?!” So yea i feel like time is drifting away and i keep standing and stepping on the same place i have been for the past 10+ years.

Thanks for reading and i will be back with more posts soon!